So my husband is spending the night with his girlfriend, and I am alone with our son - not unusual, of late - and I could laugh, a bitter laugh, because he has moved on and now I am here by myself, where I wish to be...or wished to be...
Is it worth it? The loneliness in this moment, so crushing...is it worth the month of happiness? Is it worth the maybe that may never be? The tenuous joy? Is it worth the mere idea that someone could love...me...really? Is the month of believing that I could love and be loved in equal measure...is it worth the sudden knowing that I am not, cannot, will not be?
My mind tells me so. Insidious voices, whispering to me, sibilant, insistent, sweet and seductive, they tell me...that I will not have more than this small measure...the one month of hope...and now it's done.
I know better.
I do.
I know better than to hope. Hope invites the voices in.
I want to talk to him, to this man I love...this man I believe loves...loved...me...
I want to hear his voice and be reassured...but...I am so afraid...to be a bother...to be a burden...an annoyance...to interrupt what must be more important...because it isn't me being needy...
I want to hear him, and feel the stillness that comes when he speaks and I believe and the voices are banished for a while longer...but...
I feel...different...as though something has changed...
And now...now I fear the choice my would-be, want-to-be love will make...I fear he will not choose me, because I am not worth the choosing...not worth him...and he's just looking for the right way to say...to tell me...that another shines brighter, sings sweeter, calls louder...
It's not his fault. The salt I taste now, running down my face...it's my own doing. Cursed brain manufacturing these feelings...but they are just as real as anything else...they always are...and they hurt as deeply as if they were true...and I fear they could be...
The voices tell me I'm not good enough...and I try so hard not to hear them...but they've always been right in the past...haven't they? Didn't they tell me about B? And M? And...others...who I thought could be...hoped would be...but then they turned away...and, just as the voices warned, crowed about, I was alone again...
Oh, this crash was due, I well know...there's always a crash commensurate with the high...no, not commensurate...greater than...ten feet up, fifty feet down...
It is worth it?
It's my own fault. It is. I know better...I do...and these tears? I deserve them, and every one that follows. I've no one to blame but myself.
Or...so I tell myself...
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The Angry Response I'll Never Post
Or, at least, not on the original site.
My husband wrote a blog post (he just started blogging, a means to garner my attention and vent his feelings) yesterday that provoke a very negative response in me. Oddly enough, I rarely read his blog, because I am living with the reality of his emotional state and don't need the idealized words he writes.
Anyway.
I wrote a point-by-point response to it and set it aside, thinking I would not place it anywhere he could see it...but I ended up sending it to a friend, needing someone to see and understand that there are two perspectives to this thing.
And the Lament is my place to dump the darkness. So...here it is (items in italics are his words, the rest are mine):
T posted this on his blog...and it's so full of incorrect facts and memories...I don't understand, sometimes, how we were in the same room, having the same conversation...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do we do about RA? Who gets the tv? What about the wedding pictures?
We will make certain that our son has his father in his life as much as possible, that he doesn't suffer privations, and that her continues to be the bright, sweet, loving boy he has always been. We have four televisions...take one, any one, I don't care which, they have never been as important to me as they have been to you. The photos can be copied - they're a small detail.
K has moved pass the getting upset about all of this.
No, I haven't...I just contain it better.
She has never shown any weakness during this divorce.
Because I cannot, lest you misconstrue it, try to delay, to mend what is broken beyond my ability to repair.
I didn't know that life could hurt so bad, and it doesn't help that she puts on this I don't care attitude.
You forced this "I don't care" attitude on me, T, when you wouldn't (and still don't) listen, really listen, to what I say.
I don't have anywhere to go, so my mother told me to come down and stay with her. She is 76 years old and isn't able to do much for herself anymore. Last month there would have been no way that K would have let me move back with my mom. She even said that if something happened between us, she would not let me move out until I had a place away from my mom's house. My how things have change.
No, they haven't - I still don't think moving into your mother's house is the answer...but if it's that or you never make an effort to find a place, I will have to let go of my need to see you established in a healthy environment...I have no right to care where you live, anyway...although, I DO care...but you don't want to see that. Again, you need me to be the hard-ass bitch, so I will oblige, though it run counter to my nature and it pains me...
Last night she told me she really needed me out of the house asap. When I told her ok she asked where I was going. I told her that right now my mom's is the only place I have to go. I told her that I am working on another place but it might be 30 days before I could move in. She told me as long as it was not permanent, that I should go live at my mom's. What could have changed her mind about me so quickly.
I said no such thing...not that it matters...because you have always remembered what you wanted to, and not what I clearly said or did. You have twisted my words, my thoughts, my actions this way and that to make them pierce all the deeper, and there's nothing I can do about that. but I won't sit back and let you make your misinterpretations shout forth from a public forum without correcting you.
About 30 days ago everything in the W house was going great.
You keep saying that life was perfect, wonderful, amazing...well, it wasn't. not for everyone in this house. You had a terrific life - a wife, a son, a home, free reign to live as you pleased, to do as you pleased...of course you were happy. I have been miserable for so long, we both stopped noticing...and when I tried, TRIED to engage you, to make you see...you ignored, turned aside, invalidated me, did nothing...
We went to movies together, played with our son, and did all the things a normal family would do. We were even looking at new matching titanium wedding rings. She met met someone at the track who had one and she started looking into styles and prices. She was emailing me web sites and pictures.
This?? Was LAST YEAR!! Not this year. And it's an example of how you are twisting what I have said or done to suit your need for pain.
Well I guess I don't have to worry about the rings I was giving you for our 9 th wedding anniversary.
You mean, if you actually followed through with an idea rather than simply tell me what you would have done, if only?? A gift I wouldn't have to find, show you, and practically order, wrap, and give to myself? How novel...
Anyway, about 30 days ago she started an online friendship with him. She says he is in Houston but his phone # is located in Austin. But that's nether here nor there. In the last 30 days their friendship has turned into a relationship. If that's what it takes to make K happy, then I'm happy for her. All I want is for the love of my life to be happy. So in 30 days I went from someone she loved enough to want to get new wedding rings with to a roommate that he wants out of the house today.
This man? Has nothing to do with this...and I won't have you impugn him. He's innocent in this...and I won't have you attaching blame or responsibility to anyone besides me or you. This marriage failed because of US, and no one else.
Cell phones come from all over. I get calls from someone whose phone is listed in Atlanta, but she lives in Asheville - and that's neither her nor there, either, but since you felt compelled to mention...
So when she got home last night after being gone all weekend with her friend K2. (They were doing some work) I asked her to sit down with me to talk about a few details about the upcoming divorce. We talking about the splitting of the assets and most importantly how we would handle our son's well being. I thought that we had decided that RA would stay with his mom and I would have always be able to see his son whenever I chose. But this time when the subject was brought up she said a friend had told her that the courts would have to decide how RA would be handled. She said she was also told the courts would have to decide how much child support payments would be. Anyway in the middle of this important talk her cell phone rang. It was him. You could tell by the way the tone in her voice changed when she picked up the phone. In that one second we went from a serious talk about our son's future to her talking to him. Seems like the last two weeks anytime her and I need to talk about the future he calls and I am sent to my room. Not once has she told him "Can I call you back. I'm in the middle of something important". He is a big reason for her wanting me out of the house so fast. She told me she would not feel right having him or any other man come to stay with her while I'm still here.
I sat and listened while you said the same things over and over again, and I hope I may be forgiven for my silence when I have nothing more to add. How many times must I answer the same questions, the same implications, the same statements in the same way before I may stop?
It wasn't a friend who told me these things - it was Mum. Being a lawyer, I respect her opinion and knowledge of the law. I also didn't say the courts would decide custody or visitation. I clearly said I would be happy for you to be part of our son's life as much as you chose to be...all I ask is you never promise him you'll be there when you won't. It was child-support - something YOU brought up, by the way - that I said would have to be decided by the court...because that's what I was told...
I took the call to ask him if I could call back later...but before I could say more than "Hello...", you fled the room...and I am tired of chasing...so I took the call. I haven't interrupted every talk with calls - you've often interrupted my conversations with him and others with your need to talk, waiting until I was involved with something else to demand time and attention...and I have tried to give them to you, despite the cost to me.
The conversation we had about not wanting you in the house was weeks ago, and that statement was made in answer to your implication that I had already cut another pony from the herd, well before I was talking to someone who actually LISTENS...
K, I know that he is now a very important part of your but RA and I both still need you in our lives.
And I'm here...as I have been for years...even when YOU WEREN'T...and I'm listening, even when you DON'T, and I will always put our son and his needs first...and I have never broken and will never break my word to him, you or anyone...can you honestly say the same???
You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.But most of all you are my Friend. I Love You.
Somehow, I doubt this...at least...I doubt you mean it when you say the things you do...
My husband wrote a blog post (he just started blogging, a means to garner my attention and vent his feelings) yesterday that provoke a very negative response in me. Oddly enough, I rarely read his blog, because I am living with the reality of his emotional state and don't need the idealized words he writes.
Anyway.
I wrote a point-by-point response to it and set it aside, thinking I would not place it anywhere he could see it...but I ended up sending it to a friend, needing someone to see and understand that there are two perspectives to this thing.
And the Lament is my place to dump the darkness. So...here it is (items in italics are his words, the rest are mine):
T posted this on his blog...and it's so full of incorrect facts and memories...I don't understand, sometimes, how we were in the same room, having the same conversation...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do we do about RA? Who gets the tv? What about the wedding pictures?
We will make certain that our son has his father in his life as much as possible, that he doesn't suffer privations, and that her continues to be the bright, sweet, loving boy he has always been. We have four televisions...take one, any one, I don't care which, they have never been as important to me as they have been to you. The photos can be copied - they're a small detail.
K has moved pass the getting upset about all of this.
No, I haven't...I just contain it better.
She has never shown any weakness during this divorce.
Because I cannot, lest you misconstrue it, try to delay, to mend what is broken beyond my ability to repair.
I didn't know that life could hurt so bad, and it doesn't help that she puts on this I don't care attitude.
You forced this "I don't care" attitude on me, T, when you wouldn't (and still don't) listen, really listen, to what I say.
I don't have anywhere to go, so my mother told me to come down and stay with her. She is 76 years old and isn't able to do much for herself anymore. Last month there would have been no way that K would have let me move back with my mom. She even said that if something happened between us, she would not let me move out until I had a place away from my mom's house. My how things have change.
No, they haven't - I still don't think moving into your mother's house is the answer...but if it's that or you never make an effort to find a place, I will have to let go of my need to see you established in a healthy environment...I have no right to care where you live, anyway...although, I DO care...but you don't want to see that. Again, you need me to be the hard-ass bitch, so I will oblige, though it run counter to my nature and it pains me...
Last night she told me she really needed me out of the house asap. When I told her ok she asked where I was going. I told her that right now my mom's is the only place I have to go. I told her that I am working on another place but it might be 30 days before I could move in. She told me as long as it was not permanent, that I should go live at my mom's. What could have changed her mind about me so quickly.
I said no such thing...not that it matters...because you have always remembered what you wanted to, and not what I clearly said or did. You have twisted my words, my thoughts, my actions this way and that to make them pierce all the deeper, and there's nothing I can do about that. but I won't sit back and let you make your misinterpretations shout forth from a public forum without correcting you.
About 30 days ago everything in the W house was going great.
You keep saying that life was perfect, wonderful, amazing...well, it wasn't. not for everyone in this house. You had a terrific life - a wife, a son, a home, free reign to live as you pleased, to do as you pleased...of course you were happy. I have been miserable for so long, we both stopped noticing...and when I tried, TRIED to engage you, to make you see...you ignored, turned aside, invalidated me, did nothing...
We went to movies together, played with our son, and did all the things a normal family would do. We were even looking at new matching titanium wedding rings. She met met someone at the track who had one and she started looking into styles and prices. She was emailing me web sites and pictures.
This?? Was LAST YEAR!! Not this year. And it's an example of how you are twisting what I have said or done to suit your need for pain.
Well I guess I don't have to worry about the rings I was giving you for our 9 th wedding anniversary.
You mean, if you actually followed through with an idea rather than simply tell me what you would have done, if only?? A gift I wouldn't have to find, show you, and practically order, wrap, and give to myself? How novel...
Anyway, about 30 days ago she started an online friendship with him. She says he is in Houston but his phone # is located in Austin. But that's nether here nor there. In the last 30 days their friendship has turned into a relationship. If that's what it takes to make K happy, then I'm happy for her. All I want is for the love of my life to be happy. So in 30 days I went from someone she loved enough to want to get new wedding rings with to a roommate that he wants out of the house today.
This man? Has nothing to do with this...and I won't have you impugn him. He's innocent in this...and I won't have you attaching blame or responsibility to anyone besides me or you. This marriage failed because of US, and no one else.
Cell phones come from all over. I get calls from someone whose phone is listed in Atlanta, but she lives in Asheville - and that's neither her nor there, either, but since you felt compelled to mention...
So when she got home last night after being gone all weekend with her friend K2. (They were doing some work) I asked her to sit down with me to talk about a few details about the upcoming divorce. We talking about the splitting of the assets and most importantly how we would handle our son's well being. I thought that we had decided that RA would stay with his mom and I would have always be able to see his son whenever I chose. But this time when the subject was brought up she said a friend had told her that the courts would have to decide how RA would be handled. She said she was also told the courts would have to decide how much child support payments would be. Anyway in the middle of this important talk her cell phone rang. It was him. You could tell by the way the tone in her voice changed when she picked up the phone. In that one second we went from a serious talk about our son's future to her talking to him. Seems like the last two weeks anytime her and I need to talk about the future he calls and I am sent to my room. Not once has she told him "Can I call you back. I'm in the middle of something important". He is a big reason for her wanting me out of the house so fast. She told me she would not feel right having him or any other man come to stay with her while I'm still here.
I sat and listened while you said the same things over and over again, and I hope I may be forgiven for my silence when I have nothing more to add. How many times must I answer the same questions, the same implications, the same statements in the same way before I may stop?
It wasn't a friend who told me these things - it was Mum. Being a lawyer, I respect her opinion and knowledge of the law. I also didn't say the courts would decide custody or visitation. I clearly said I would be happy for you to be part of our son's life as much as you chose to be...all I ask is you never promise him you'll be there when you won't. It was child-support - something YOU brought up, by the way - that I said would have to be decided by the court...because that's what I was told...
I took the call to ask him if I could call back later...but before I could say more than "Hello...", you fled the room...and I am tired of chasing...so I took the call. I haven't interrupted every talk with calls - you've often interrupted my conversations with him and others with your need to talk, waiting until I was involved with something else to demand time and attention...and I have tried to give them to you, despite the cost to me.
The conversation we had about not wanting you in the house was weeks ago, and that statement was made in answer to your implication that I had already cut another pony from the herd, well before I was talking to someone who actually LISTENS...
K, I know that he is now a very important part of your but RA and I both still need you in our lives.
And I'm here...as I have been for years...even when YOU WEREN'T...and I'm listening, even when you DON'T, and I will always put our son and his needs first...and I have never broken and will never break my word to him, you or anyone...can you honestly say the same???
You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.But most of all you are my Friend. I Love You.
Somehow, I doubt this...at least...I doubt you mean it when you say the things you do...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Pounce
I fear you will tire of me
or forget
or find some lovelier flower to admire
in your garden
So, eager to keep fresh in your memory
and hoping to continue
to fall beneath your gaze
I pounce
On words hardly left your lips,
I pounce, and
Playful as a kit
clamor to be noticed,
noticing you
I gobble your minutes
crave further sustenance,
refrain, only just
from begging,
pride be damned, begging
for just a little more
I fear you will tire of me,
or forget
or find some lovelier flower to admire
in your garden
And so I pounce,
to remind you
that I am here
empty as a pocket
waiting to be filled
or forget
or find some lovelier flower to admire
in your garden
So, eager to keep fresh in your memory
and hoping to continue
to fall beneath your gaze
I pounce
On words hardly left your lips,
I pounce, and
Playful as a kit
clamor to be noticed,
noticing you
I gobble your minutes
crave further sustenance,
refrain, only just
from begging,
pride be damned, begging
for just a little more
I fear you will tire of me,
or forget
or find some lovelier flower to admire
in your garden
And so I pounce,
to remind you
that I am here
empty as a pocket
waiting to be filled
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Your Words, Sir
Your words, Sir
Thick and slow
And sweet
Flow through me
Honeyed
Heavy
I am languorous with them
Stretching upward
Reaching outward
Hands dropping gracefully
To my pillow
Tracing a path to the place
On my neck
Where I want your lips
Murmuring
Your words, Sir
Soft, gentle,
Whispers
Shivering through
To my core
Brushing so delicate
Against my heart
Shattering it all the same
Your words, Sir
Flow through me
The pleasant lassitude
Of lava burning
Through the center
All the way through the center
Your words, Sir
Leave me hungry,
Quivering
Wanting
More
Of you
And
Your words, Sir
Thick and slow
And sweet
Flow through me
Honeyed
Heavy
I am languorous with them
Stretching upward
Reaching outward
Hands dropping gracefully
To my pillow
Tracing a path to the place
On my neck
Where I want your lips
Murmuring
Your words, Sir
Soft, gentle,
Whispers
Shivering through
To my core
Brushing so delicate
Against my heart
Shattering it all the same
Your words, Sir
Flow through me
The pleasant lassitude
Of lava burning
Through the center
All the way through the center
Your words, Sir
Leave me hungry,
Quivering
Wanting
More
Of you
And
Your words, Sir
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
