Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's Like That, Sometimes

Sometimes I make mistakes. I don't see what's there. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I crash so fast, it's from one heartbeat to the next that I'm up and then down.

Sometimes, I want to drink myself stupid, cut myself to ribbons, swallow pills and pills and pills, crawl into bed and never come out again.

Sometimes I am terribly tired of failing, of never seeming capable of getting things right, of being useless.

I was a bad wife. I am not much better at being a girlfriend. I am long past suspecting I suck as a mother, too.

Sometimes I think it would be better if I went away, was just gone, better that I didn't poison the world around myself, took my curse and disappeared.

I can't.

I'm too selfish...I love my son and want to watch him become a better person than I am...even as I think I do him a disservice.

Sometimes I don't want to say anything or bother anyone, and there's a voice in my head screaming "Who gives a shit?????" and I want to hide.

Again, I can't.

And I won't. Because it isn't always that way.

Just sometimes.