Sunday, October 20, 2013

It's Just Water, After All

I am crying.

I am crying because I am tired.  Because I have had a long week of exceedingly early mornings, late nights, and not much down time in between, and I have had my two kids with me almost the entire time with no break, no rest, no help.

I am crying because I am sexually frustrated, and because I feel unwanted unless he's aroused and desperate, and blamed when he's frustrated because I am exhausted and don't wake up when he climbs into bed after I've fallen asleep, and makes advances.

I am crying because while I was working all week a crockpot full of pot roast was rotting on the counter, even days after I asked him to please empty it, because while I was away last week he put it on to warm but then left it out, so it has been festering for 8 days.

I am crying because one of the cats has suddenly started peeing and pooping on the table, the kitchen counter, in the hallway, and on the clean laundry in the hamper that I haven't folded because I haven't had time.

I am crying because I am supposed to be sewing a quilt for a charity auction but I can't seem to get it done; every time I try someone or something else needs my attention, and so for the first time in my life I will break my word and be a worthless oathbreaker.

I am crying because the dryer vent hose keeps detaching from the wall vent, and he said he would fix it more than a week ago but hasn't, so I have had to squeeze into the tiny space between dryer and wall and try to fix it so I can do laundry.

I am crying because he gets angry at the mess I haven't cleaned up because I am trying to clean up the beer bottles, the bottles caps (which I usually find with my feet), the spilled booze, coffee, water, seasoning mix, vomit in the sink, shit on the toilet seat, and other assorted messes he leaves behind but swears he doesn't.

I am crying because I have pulled or done something to a muscle in my neck/shoulder area and it hurts, hurts, hurts and I can't do anything about it because there is so much I have to do around the house and holding the toddler makes it worse but she WILL be held or whine, whine, whine, cry, cry, cry and I will scream at her to shut the fuck up because I will break, have broken, and can't stand the fucking noise, noise, noise.

I am crying because he went somewhere to meet someone and got lost and called me to get directions to a place I have never been and don't know and then screamed at me and hung up on me and called me back and yelled at me because he told me three different places he was at and expected me to instantly find him on the map and give directions, and my phone died and he called the other phone and chastised me even more because I didn't answer when he hung up on me and then called back, then yelled at me again because I was trying to give him the directions he asked for and it was wrong because he wasn't at the place he said he was at, but somewhere else, and I don't know where that is and can't just instinctively find it on the map but actually have to look...and he has a mapping app on his phone that he could use but for some reason doesn't.

I am crying because I feel like I have nothing left to give, or at least nothing left that anyone wants.

I am crying because my life is inundated with the stench of shit, piss, rot, and filth.

I am crying because I am cold and don't dare turn up the heat, I am hungry but am weary of being the only one who cooks for the family and even if I have just fed the kids if I make anything for myself they want it and circle me like buzzards begging to share with me and I don't have it in me to deal with that right now.

I am crying because I feel awfully alone when it comes to dealing with these kids, unless there is criticism to be offered and then I have plenty of people, even strangers, happy to tell me how I am doing it wrong and ruining my beautiful children who love me despite my ineptitude, and how I should be raising them instead.

I am crying because in the beginning I thought he loved me, believed he loved me, and now I think he just resents me for what I cannot be or do and wishes he wasn't trapped in this festering life with me, could leave me behind and think of me only as that fat, nasty bitch who tried to ensnare him and didn't care and treated him so poorly and how lucky he is not to be stuck with HER any more.

I am crying because I want love but know, deep down, I don't deserve it and don't get to have it, but that doesn't stop me wanting it so much I ache constantly and sometimes try to believe I can have it but then find it's just an illusion and I don't deserve love, I deserve scorn and derision and abandonment and to be shown over and over that I am worthless, useless, not worth the effort.

I am crying because I am a curse, and anyone who is involved with me soon has cause to regret it because all I do is ruin lives.

I am crying because I have swept the floor three times this morning and it is messy again.

I am crying because I wonder if I will ever be able to just love and be loved without it turning to shit because it's me and that's what I am due...shit...

I am crying because even when I am away, I am responsible for what happens here, and there's no peace, no quiet, no rest at all and I worry about his drunkenness and anger and what is happening to the house, the animals, the children, worrying about the mess I will have to clean up when I get home despite having left a clean house before I left, because I am the only one who should be doing that sort of work, I am the woman and the mother and why should anyone else do it, and people are judging me and I am selfish and horrible for asking for a few days in a year, how dare I?

I am crying because there is no one here to see and feel burdened by it, because I don't get to cry or feel bad when there's a witness because that's an imposition and no one wants to suffer through that, it's too much to ask, really, and anyway I have no right to complain because I deserve this, I brought it on myself, and since everyone else is so much wiser and better than I am I should listen to them and live my life according to their advice and since I don't, I can just deal with it alone because I am too stupid to listen.

I am...crying...

Monday, October 14, 2013

It Must Be Nice

It must be nice to talk to someone on the phone and hear sweet words instead of anger and blame.

It must be nice to feel loved wanted instead of resented.

It must be nice to feel cherished.

It must be nice to be held.

It must be nice not to be yelled at all the time for things that aren't your fault.

It must be nice to know you can go somewhere without worrying about who is watching the kids, and how.

It must be nice not to have to struggle and beg and wrangle and plead to have a few precious minutes of peace.

It must be nice to be loved.

It must be nice.  I wouldn't know.