Aware

I am having trouble sleeping.  On an ordinary day, I'm rather clueless, oblivious, of my place in this old world.  On a tired day, it takes blaring trumpets, fireworks, announcements...hell, written notices...to get my attention.

I'm not unaware of the people or world around me...more that I can't seem to sort out my connection to it all.

So I was eating watermelon while driving to an appointment, keeping an eye on traffic and whatnot but not on the other drivers.  Honestly, I'm used to people being oblivious to the world outside their vehicles - we're ensconced in our own little worlds while we flit from place to place.  No one notices that they're not being noticed.

So, yeah, I was eating watermelon that I'd cut into chunks.  I never much thought about how I eat anything, except to enjoy it because otherwise why bother?

Sitting at a traffic light, enjoying my lovely, ripe, cool watermelon, I chanced to look over to my left and noticed that I was, in fact, being noticed.  My first thought, first instinct, was to hide...I don't like it when people see me eating.  I am self conscious about it.  The ugly voice in my head tells me that people are judging me, thinking "No wonder she's fat, look at that heifer eat!"

I don't think that's what that man in the truck's passenger seat was thinking.  He was staring at me, at the piece of melon that was still clasped in my fingers, waiting to be devoured.  His eyes met mine, he closed his mouth and swallowed.  I popped the remainder of the melon into my mouth and his eyes widened and he turned crimson and turned away, then cut his eyes back to me again.  Umm.  'Kay.

I reached for more.  Looked over to the right.  Another truck.  Another man.  Watching me eat another piece of watermelon as if his life depended on seeing it through to the end.  Staring.  Mouth open.  Licked his lips when I swallowed.

That's a first.  Pretty sure.

So, yeah, that happened.  And for a moment, one tiny little moment, I felt powerfully sexual.  For one tiny little moment I wasn't a (somewhat less) fat, (almost) middle aged woman, I was a goddess inspiring concupiscent thoughts in unsuspecting men, reveling in my power.  One tiny moment.  I have to admit, I kinda liked it.

Probably won't eat watermelon in public again, though...unless I can make sure I'm not going to chance looking anyone in the eye.

If watermelon damn near gave 'em heart failure,I wonder what a banana would have done...

Damp Linens

I know I'm not the only woman who cries in silence, tears soaking her pillow, curled around herself as she tries to contain the aching emptiness that threatens to consume her.

I know I'm not alone in wondering why I should be so lonely.

But dear Goddess, right now in this moment I feel so isolated, so lost in the shadows, and I can't convince myself that there's any way out of it or that there's anyone or anything that can (or wants to) throw me a line, however tenuous, to help me pull myself into a better place.

Back to dreams, back to the ephemeral, illusory comfort of he-who-never-was because my psyche doesn't want to accept that maybe this is all we get - an empty bed, empty arms, and a heart full of thick, smothering aloneness that leaves me fighting to breathe and wondering where I went so terribly wrong.