Stupid Misfiring Neurons

Have you ever wanted something? Wanted it more than you've ever wanted anything else? Ached to have it? Just about needed it to live? Yeah, me too.

Have you ever been so close to having what you wanted that you could taste it? Or brush it with your fingertips? But every time you get close...it's just a little out of reach? Yeah, me too.

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real, it lingered after you woke, almost memory? Yeah, me too.

I love a man. He's a good man, easy to love. He loves me back. I am not a good woman, not easy to love...but he's managing it. Bless him. Sometimes I have to stop, close my eyes, and breathe, I'm so overwhelmed by the feelings he engenders in me. Sometimes I think of him and smile and feel like I'm floating...and then I look around to speak to him and he's not right there next to me and I crash back down.

Last night, I had a bad dream. He doesn't need to know about it. He has enough troubles of his own right now, he doesn't need my stupid misfiring neurons to burden him too. That's why I have this place, right? Sigh. He can't read it right now, anyway...one of his troubles, no Internet access. I am hoping he'll right that, for his sake and for the sakes of the other people who give a damn about him (I'm not the only one who loves him, whom he loves - he has a generous heart), but it'll be a while before he can.

So. Bad dream.

I dreamed he went away. Just up and left, off into the wilds of...I don't know where. He took his computer and his phone with him, but he didn't answer e-mails or calls. He just...forgot me. I didn't matter any more. In the dream it seemed I never mattered in the first place, and he was just tired of me so he decided not to bother any more. I was lost, confused, and deeply hurt...and I couldn't breathe, couldn't think...I was blinded by a sort of desperation to find him, to know he was alright, because within the dream itself, at first I didn't know he didn't want me any more, that I was annoying him with my persistence; all I knew was that he'd disappeared and I was frantic to find him and couldn't.

After searching for a little while I realized he just didn't want me, and my heart shattered. I woke up.

That dream has lingered. All morning, it has haunted me, teasing the edges of my mind. I know it's just a dream. My admittedly limited rational self knows it was a dream. But my emotional self? Yeah...that part of me is convinced it was real and he's going to stop calling and stop answering and leave me empty and alone...

Sigh.

You'd never know that a few months ago, before I met him, I had made up my mind I would just be alone for the rest of my life and be OK with that - that I figured I'd be better off...everyone would be better off...

Stupid misfiring neurons...why can't I dream the winning lottery numbers??

Just Click Your Heels

It's all fun and games until it isn't.

I was playing a game, passing some time, trying to convince myself that I didn't really need to eat one of the brownies I just baked - don't ask me why I'd bake brownies and not eat them, I'm a girl and we're not logical.

Anyway, I was done with one section of the game and clicked a button to return to another section, and the game asked "Do you want to go home?"

Oh...oh, yes please.

Home isn't a place, really. Or...it is a place, but outside of the space we perceive as space. It's a place within ourselves, I think. A sense of belonging. A sense of being in the right place...the right place in space, and time and our lives, of life, in general, being right as it is in the moment, through a succession of moments...a sense of completion...

You know what? It's damnably difficult to nail down.

But I know I'm not there...yet.

Yet.

I will be. Home. I will be home.

Poor Eponine...

...sometimes, I know just how she feels.

Worth

When you cry, do your tears make your face itch? Or is that just one more way I'm weird?

I have cried a lot in the last few days.

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I am hurting. I am scared.

My head won't leave me alone.

Now it's telling me that dreams are futile...that no matter how much I hope, no matter how much I want to believe that maybe I have value...it's an illusion, a delusion.

My head is telling me I'm worthless, and the sooner I accept that, the better.

It doesn't help that I can't seem to make anything of myself...can't sell my art, or my words, can't even really sell my music...can't hold a job like productive people do...can't do anything but take up space.

I remind myself that I cannot expect anyone to value me when I don't value myself...

Yeah, I'll let you know how that works out.

Have you ever felt weak? Physically, emotionally?

I feel weak. I want to curl up on my bed, under the covers, and cry. I've been working all day, and since mid-morning I've wanted to leave my work undone and hide in my room.

I feel shaky and unwell.

I feel very alone, and empty.

I wish I had someone to put an arm around me, pull me close, and comfort me. A shoulder to cry into. I could use a good cry.

I miss something I've never had, and it sucks...and I have this fear that I never WILL have it, and that sucks, too.

Sometimes, I hate my emotional self.