What to Show

I woke up this morning and felt the crash coming.

Look - I don't know how to do happy.

So...weeks upon weeks of roller-coaster ups and down, culminating in one big rejoicing...there was going to be a crash. It's nothing personal. It's just me, being me.

I woke up worried about things that are mine to worry about, and feeling this sticky blob of shadowy stuff trying to envelope me, envelope my psyche. I need a cry. A good one, the kind that leaves my eyes red, my face sticky and wet, my nose stuffed and running...one of those emptying, unattractive cries that should never be witnessed by loved ones lest they be forever branded by the horrible sight.

I feel...useless. I feel...pointless. I feel...like a drain. I feel helpless, feel hopeless..and I'm trying not to drag anyone else down with me.

I keep trying to hide it. I'm used to internalizing, to denying anything's amiss. It's easier, really. Again, it's nothing personal - I love the people in my life - but if I don't want to deal with this crap, why should I expect anyone else to?

Trouble is...that's not fair. Not fair to me, not fair to the ones I love. They have a right to know I'm not happy...don't they? Or...do they? Is it a privilege or a burden?

I don't want anyone to be weighted down. And I don't want anyone to be hurt. And I don't want anyone to think I'm shutting them out. Conundrum.

What to do...

What to show...