I Masturbate in Secret

Caution, adult content follows. Read at your own risk, and only if you're mature enough for frank sexual conversation. I don't want to hear any whining about how you were horrified, damaged, scarred for life, and if your kid read this and was traumatized, why the hell weren't you monitoring their net surfing to begin with??

I masturbate in secret.

I masturbate in secret so my husband won't know. So he won't ask me about what I do, or why, and what I am thinking, and so insinuate himself in my thoughts while I masturbate in secret.

I masturbate in secret and don't tell my husband, because I don't want him thinking I want sex. I don't want sex, not with him, so I masturbate in secret.

I masturbate in secret because I don't want someone, anyone, getting excited at the thought that I'm masturbating, and also because I don't want anyone to be disgusted by the idea that I masturbate, even in secret.

I masturbate in secret, sometimes three or four times a day. It's not about sex, at least not always. Sometimes it's about the need for relief, the need to reduce tension in some way, to let go of the anger that threatens to turn to rage but is transformed into a moment of transcendence when I masturbate in secret.

I masturbate in secret and think dark thoughts. I let my mind run rampant. Sometimes I have fantasies about actors, authors, characters in stories. Sometimes I have fantasies about angry, hurtful men. Once, in my fantasy, someone asked me why I was with a man who treats me like shit and I answered that figment "Because I am shit" and I cried while I masturbated in secret.

I masturbate in secret because I want sex with someone, I want to be touched and loved and make love and love someone else with my whole self and I am bound and gagged in this marriage that I should love and nurture but just look at with disgust as I masturbate in secret.

I masturbate in secret, thinking about men I know, and men I don't know, men who are real and men who are not, and I beg their forgiveness for using them that way, when they deserve so much better than me, masturbating in secret.

I masturbate in secret with a toy that buzzes when I ask it to, and a toy that doesn't buzz but is made of Pyrex and can be made hot or cold with tap water and is bigger than the real thing that I married but not so large it's a parody and I pretend it's someone else while I'm masturbating in secret.

I masturbate in secret and weep because I wish someone real was there, kissing me deeply, loving me deeply, touching me without disgust, caring, connecting deeply, and instead I'm masturbating in secret.

I masturbate in secret and hate myself for it, because of what I think, and feel, and how I believe I am abusing the beautiful, powerful, magical things called "sex" and "orgasm" by masturbating in secret.

And so...

I masturbate in secret...